I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
