A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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