Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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