Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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