i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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