It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
