Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
