I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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