I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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