Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
