I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
