Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
