I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
BRING THE BAGELS
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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