He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
