Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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