my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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