I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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