when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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