well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
