He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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