Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
