Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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