The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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