A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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