I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
