I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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