Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's blow job season.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
