Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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