i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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