Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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