if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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