He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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