That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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