And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
