his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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