I checked into jail on foursquare
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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