Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
