I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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