I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
