So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
