Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
