so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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