I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I look better un-naked...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
