So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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