i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
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I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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