As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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