After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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