Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want her autograph on my taint
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
