Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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