smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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