Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize