please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
