just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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