His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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