new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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