Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
