I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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