Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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