I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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