somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
