he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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