So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
